against the world

hi. i miss my dw. haven't written for so long, even though there's a lot to tell. anyway.

sensitive subject tonight, i have no one that's close to me. i mean, i have no true friends ok. someone whom i could pour my thoughts to.
it's either me being really picky and closed or just no one likes my true self. i miss last year, i miss two years ago. i miss the days i could be myself with bebek. we used to be so perfectly in sync. now we even wear masks in front of each other. i miss the days she was my girlfriend, saki, twins, sister, everything. i miss the way she understands myself and vice versa. that time, i think it was my most happiness? i have bebek, noa, due, seira, hacchan, kou. just the ones i've really opened up to.

it was all until. my temporary separation with bebek? the second i'm into shinee. the second i lost my jrock fandom friends. it was all empty. have to act real hard in kpop fandom. changed my personality due to parents' will. no fun at all.

then i enter highschool. new persona was built again. this time, it's so natural i think it's my new self. but whatever, at least i got people to hang out with. right now, i'm 'cumi' instead of 'hime'. too much real life pressure on the nickname. i. am starting to turn into a rl-person instead.

right. i miss my old self. the one that is my self.

(boyfran is, idk, i think the gap between us is there again. but idk what to do. idk how to close the gap. it isn't like the old days. i've turned into another person too much. i feel like going to cry.)